Life in UK and thereafter

Ye Ye besok raya Ye YE.... heheheh.. balik kg besok.. jumpa ngan tokwan n tok.. and all the relative belah ayah.. bestnyer.. perhaps bley jumpa Mdzab skalik.. and perhaps pakcik Omar.. if he still around A.Setar n tak gi KL.. should i give them a call 1st or wat suprise.. heheh.. MdZab.. lama tak jumpa dia.. last skali 2001.. perhh.. lama tak jumpa dia.. kira one special thing about him.. u never seldom see him with a smile. Kira a friend indeed.

YEYYY!!! justine henin masuk final!!!!... YEYYYYY!!!!! GO JUSTINE HENIN GO... GO JUSTINE HENIN GOOOOOOO!!! AUSSIE OPEN MILIK JUSTINE HENIN!!!

Terasa kemalasan nak mengupdate blog nih.. tapi arinih okeh kot.. hehehe anyway.. aper yg jadik minggu nih.. from monday till today, work work n more work.. bertambah lagi responsibility on my shoulder.. iyer arrr this stuff from zakri passed down to me... tapi takper arr.. it will help me to become more mature.. :)
hmm... update from last week.. pasal kes with maz.. anyway.. stay frens arr.. better like that coz takmo arrr spoil the frenship. At least bila dah tanya dia sendiri how she feel, lega sket keraguan di hati.. at least i know where i stood now.
Yesterday meet up with my jr kat usm.. heheh.. baru 2-3 hari lepas gave her a call.. kemarin dapat jumpa.. memang tak dirancang langsung.. tup2 hasnah tepon kata ada kat glugor.. nak tumpang balik ke bm... heheh.. banyak tul citer ngan dia.. really proud of her and her achievement.. respect betul.
Then yesterday night, berbalas mesej with n unkown person.. tup2 si zuria yg miscal awal2 tadik.. ampes tul.. org tgh kusyuk dok nengok vcd dia kaco..
Arinih zuria sms lagi.. kata tak sihat laks minah tuh.. dah arr nak exm tak lama lagi.. dah berapa kali suruh dia rehat.. takmo2 jugak.. dah arr semalam stay up sampai 2-3 pagi.. bagus gak arinih dia tido.. at least get some rest.. hope u get well soon gurl!!..
Tepon abgnan tadik.. heheh... sajer kaco dier coz semalam jumpa dia atas bridge.. lajuuuu... hahahah

Note to myself... "oitttt.. bila arr nak kaco org!!".. hehehehehe

Wahhhhhh... so much work... so much responsibility.. sejak Zakri quit 4 kpli arituh... most of his work jadik work aku arr.. kena tabahkan hati giler2 sehh.. workload multiplied many times.. campo ngan nak tulis paper.. campo ngan nak isi borang... pening2.
Anyway.. arinih gi survey laptop kat makson.. tengok orait arr.. resonable with the pricetag.. then masuk balik usm.. gi kat gerai dalam.. perhhh.. p3 4 2900.. not bad arr.. all come with some accessories.. dah arr brand new.. kira orait maa... dah siap booking until friday nih.. so skarang kena usahakan the cash... heheh

How do I Feel?????? ntah laa.. sometimes dok layan blues pikir hal2 nih..

What should I do if I really love someone?? Should I approach that gurl and say I like u?.. Or should I just be friends first n then get to know her.. pastu baru luahkan isi hati? But then kalo become friends I might miss the chance gak coz org lain akan approach dia dulu?? .. Sometimes this decision just clogs up my mind...

Last night been chatting with aina kat ym. I tot maz arr coz nick dia, saja tego coz dah kul 1 lebey and next day dia ngajar. Lain arr aku ni.. cuti.. heheh.. tapi tup2 aina yg guna pc maz tuh.
Well been discussing arr about a fren, asking why aku tak approach.. well, its hard for me la nak do something like this.. ngan wani dulu pun.. take almost a year to really gather that confidence.. ini pulak with someone who is very popular.. ntah laa.. kalo ikutkan hati, mau je approach dier.. tapi masalahnyer dia dah ader someone spesel in her heart. But then tru her frens, she's kinda insecure. Tapi aku risau arr ngan budak nih.. she makes frens very easily, takut2 arr dia tersalah pilih kawan. Pastu the way she treated ppl, especially guys arr.. takut that guys tersalah anggap she sending signals or something. Aku nih dulu hampir tersalah anggap camtuh, tapi bila dok berbual with her family.. kira perangai camtuh arr....

Anyway.. to be frank arr.. i feel comfortable when she's around, iyer laa.. aku ni kira agak pendiam compared to her, and she know how to start a conversation.. rasa best arr kalo bersama dia.. cuma tu arr.. i dont really know how she feels...
Ntah laa.. tapi setakat nih.. just be friends arr ngan dia n perhaps get to know more about her b4 making any stupid decisions...
Wallahualam

iskk.. tensen tul arr.. baru je type panjang... server buat halll.. arghhhh!!!

perhh.. penat seh arinih.. baru je balik from gath warga badlishah kat school tadik.. not bad arr perkenalkan kumpulan nasyif fareast tadik (fareast.. tak penah dengar.. huh?)..
anyway.. dapat jumpa most of my fren kat sana.. maz, aina, aida, zam, rusydan,chot,azian,din,nurul,rehan,wani, looi... ramai gak arr.. siap tarik 2 meja sambung..
dapat arr borak ngan diorang.. exchange stories n stuff.. good to hear too wani doing well with her studies.. insyaAllah bley dapat good pointer for graduations.
Sempat gak jumpa ngan member chatz cenel badlishah.. jiddxi , nana n hana.. nasib baik ader nomot hana.. kalo tak.. memang tak cam arr diorang.. dah arr gelap .. pastu kira ramai gak arr..

hmm.. wat to plan 4 tomorrow.. nak pegi penang ke tidak.. kalo pergi.. bley beli monitor n dv card for maz, and hard disk 4 syikin.. at least bley arr selesai masalah pc diorang awal2.. takyah arr tunggu sampai isnin ker.. selasa ker.. kekadang malas arr nak tangguh bender2 nih arr.. duit derang dah kasik.. aku takut jer nanti aku terspend duit diorang.. iyer arr.. not good for me nanti..

then petang besok laks ader cam reunion kat skulah... tepon chot tadik.. tanya kalo dier nak pergi.. orait jer kalo ader member.. sorang2 nih.. terasa cam cipan arr.. ntah haper2 pi sorang2.. sure blur tak tau buat aper.. kalo ader member bley arr keep up to date ngan berita semasa.. hheheheh

cuti lagi arinih... been quite bz arr.. ulang alik umah maz. Arituh dier tepon aku.. kata pc dia wat ngokngek lagi.. so kemarin dier antar mai umah aku.. so aku check arr pc dia n then antar balik that night.. sampai umah dia.. ader laks tetamu kat sana.. aku wat dek cam biasa arr.. heheheh.. pasang balik all the necessary accessories, tapi cam biasa arr kena stay a while makan dulu ( kecik ati derang kalo aku tak makan).. so sampai umah kul 11mlm bawak balik laptop mak dia la plak.. nak masuk software.


Arinih lak.. kul 10pg aku tolak balik sana. ingat nak stay kejap jer.. tapi tup2.. balik kul 5.. heheh.. aper taknyer.. sampai sana.. tolong tengok laptop sepupu mak dia pulak.. bantu camner nak burn gambar masuk cd yg bley main kat vcd player.. buat2 dapat.. heheh.. lepas sembahyang jumaat, sambung lagi pc satu lagi.. ni nak scan n stensil stuff arr, but still tak bley2 lagi.. maz time tu dah kuar ngan sepupu dia.. bawak ronda2 kat penang.. so aku dok lepak arr ngan paktam dia.. dok bincang hal2 isu belia arr.. hehe.. kira tabik arr ngan paktam dia.. banyak info sehh.. iyer arr.. org berpengalaman ..

balik umah tadik.. pakcik aku ader.. dia nak gi berniaga kat pasar malam tmn selasih.. menarik gak barang2 dia bawak.. mostly herbs.. dia kasik aku satu container herbs.. sesajer mintak arr.. mana arr tau.. bley buat kajian kan mender tuh..

what did i do today.. hmm.. no experiment kat lab arinih.. yahuuuuu.. pening woo tengok machine uv.. dah arr delicate n stuff.. so arinih spent most of my time analysing data yg dapat tempoh hari.

arinih maklong bertolak ke kompleks tabung haji bayan lepas.. lepas maghrib.. sekeluarga balik kg, tengok2 kan keadaan kat sana.. sedey gak hantar maklong yg akan menunaikan fardu haji.. iyer arr.. perjalanan yg tak tahu kesudahannyer.. akan bertemu kembali ke tidak.. wallahualam.. moga2 maklong sentiasa sihat semasa di sana.. insyaAllah...

got this from messages being posted on friendster.. kira something useful to think about... (to those yg nak start relationship, in a relationship or others.. like me.. hehe..)


Jika kamu memancing ikan....
setelah ikan itu terlekat di mata kail, hendaklah
kamu
mengambil terus ikan itu....
janganlah sesekali kamu lepaskan ia semula ke
dalam
air begitu sahaja....
kerana ia akan sakit
oleh kerana bisanya ketajaman mata kailmu dan
mungkin
ia akan menderita selagi ia masih hidup.

Begitulah juga setelah kamu memberi banyak
pengharapan
kepada seseorang...
setelah ia mula menyayangimu hendaklah kamu
menjaga
hatinya....
janganlah sesekali kamu terus meninggalkannya
begitu
sahaja....
kerana dia akan terluka oleh kenangan bersamamu
dan
mungkin tidak dapat melupakan segalanya selagi dia
mengingatimu....

Jika kamu menadah air biarlah berpada, jangan
terlalu
mengharap pada takungannya dan janganlah
menganggap ia
begitu teguh.... cukuplah sekadar keperluanmu....
Apabila sekali ia retak.... tentu sukar untuk kamu
menampalnya semula....
akhirnya ia dibuang....
sedangkan jika kamu cuba membaikinya mungkin ia
masih
boleh digunakan lagi....

Begitu juga jika kamu memiliki seseorang terima
lah
seadanya....
Janganlah kamu terlalu mengaguminya dan janganlah
kamu
menganggapnya begitu istimewa....
anggaplah dia manusia biasa.
Apabila sekali dia melakukan kesilapan bukan mudah
bagi kamu untuk menerimanya.... akhirnya kamu
kecewa
meninggalkannya.
Sedangkan jika kamu memaafkannya boleh jadi
hubungan
kamu akan berterusan hingga ke akhirnya....

Jika kamu telah memiliki sepinggan nasi... yang
kamu
pasti baik untuk dirimu. Mengenyangkan.
Berkhasiat.
Mengapa kamu berlengah, cuba mencari makanan yang
lain..
Terlalu ingin mengejar kelazatan.
Kelak, nasi itu akan basi dan kamu tidak boleh
memakannya.
Kamu akan menyesal.

Begitu juga jika kamu telah bertemu dengan seorang
insan.....
yang kamu pasti membawa kebaikan kepada dirimu.
Menyayangimu. Mengasihimu.
Mengapa kamu berlengah, cuba membandingkannya
dengan
yang lain. Terlalu mengejar kesempurnaan.
Kelak, kamu akan kehilangannya apabila dia menjadi
milik orang lain
Kamu juga yang akan menyesal.....

sunday.. hmm.. nak wat aper arr arinih.. tiket lum beli lagi... hmm.. so kuar awal tadik from my cousins, gi plaza rakyat.. bought one for 4.30pm.. calculate sampai umah malam.. okeh arr.. balik nak tido jer.. kira orait arr coz barang2 lain dah ader.. gi klcc lagi today jumpa ngan ptero.. makan2 kat picnic area n then dier kena away awal.. coz kawan dier kawen arinih.. tinggal arr aku sorang cam biasa.. so round2 kat atas jap.. singgah kinokuniya lagi.. lepak baca buku jap (yesteday lepak 5 jam.. wakakakka sabo je la).. then round2 lagi jumpa the continuation from kampung boys... aper lagi.. aku beli arr.. best kartun dier...
so skarang aku tunggu nak balik jer.. another 1 hr to go..

sambungan lagi... hmm.. jumpa ngan amii n her friends.. perhhh.. memang dasat arr org kl.. heheh... (no comment here).. one of her friend nampak quite familiar arr.. mungkin pelanduk dua serupa.. hmmm.. so lepak minum2 kat picnic area klcc.. then 2 more of her friends arrived.. one dier kenal.. one of them his housemet..
so kira happening gak arr diorang nih.. perhaps the surrounding environment ppl jadik cenggini..
anyway.. amii.. heheh.. dari gambar dier nampak tinggi giler.. tup2.. alahai.. sama tinggi jer.. ingat tinggi maner.. arituh tunjuk gambar dier arr paling tinggi... takper arr.. asalkan dia bahagia cukup arr.. so around 8 cenggitu.. we split and went back.. aku cam biasa arr naik turun naik turun lrt/komuter/putra. sampai stesen cempaka.. jalan kaki jer arr ke umah my cousin.. dah tau umah maner cuma tak ingat nombor jer.. so sampai jer.. just to make sure tepon mintak nomot rumah.. hehe.. abg awie jer ader kat umah.. abg azman ntah kemana.. mungkin ader hal with bss..
so lepak jap letak barang2.. then abg awie ajak kuar makan kat restoran depan tuh.. ikut jer arr.. huhu.. bola ader maa.. tengok manchester kecundang kat wolves.. 1-0 beb.. hahahahaha... siannn saper support man U.
balik umah.. mandi2 japs.. then lepak depan tv. tengok citer melayu ntah haper.. then changed canel.. cableguy is on.. so tengok arr cableguy sampai abes.. abg awie dah terlelap atas sofa tinggal aku sorang jer..
so dok arr baca buku yg baru belik tadik

penat2.. huhu.. i'm updating this blog from kl.. huhu.. anyway.. sampai kl yesterday morning at 5.30.. i thought gonna arrived earlier.. tapi drebar dok bawak steady jer.. well.. tak kisah arr.. janji sampai kl...
anyway... i called Co pagi tuh.. heheh.. sian dier terpaksa amik aku kat pudu n then brekpes kat wangsa maju.. so exchanges stories with him.. heheh.. told him kakpah ader kat utm.. hahahaha.. aper lagi Co... pi arr ngorat dier.. :)
around 9 he drop me of kat klcc.. masuk jer sana.. huhu.. kedai tutup laie.. aper lagi.. aku kuar turun naik putra.. 1st stop. kl sentral.. i tried to contact my besfren kat um.. tapi fone dier off jer.. so send her a message telling her i'm in kl.. i called her again this morning.. 1st skali tepon dier cam cancel. then tried again, off la pulak.. hmm.. tak paham aku.. cam she's trying to avoid me, but why???? been her friend for almost 8 years and now she's avoiding me???

well.. chatted again with cik minty today.. dier baru balik from interfaith dialog thinggy..
anyway... start a good topic with minty about whats happening to teenagers nowadays.. i mean how corrupted our mind are with trends from the west.. from staying together in a house without legal connection ( tak kawen arr in other word) to having sex.. ntah arr aper nak jadik ngan remaja hari nih.. nak kata takder saluran info mender2 nih haram and terkutuk.. ada banyak giler info pasal nih.. cuma ader arr sesetengah tuh takmo amik kisah.. tu laa.. time org blajaq agama.. derang ikut pintu blakang.. kuar merayap ntah memaner..
kalo derang tak terdedah ngan info nih.. nak wat cemaner kann.. tapi yg sedihnyer.. ader org dah dedah ngan mendalam ngan hal2 nih.. buat jugak mender2 camtuh.. iskkk.. mau tembak jer org2 camtuh..
well.. its true what ppl say about love... love is truely blind.. sampai mender2 terkutuk pun bley buat..
wallahualam..

hmm.. wuz thinking to myself.. when will i move on to the next step.. ntah arr.. been having this internal conflict with myself.. it has been quite some times since i broke up with azwani.. hmm.. should now be relax by now
tapikan.. i dont really have confident like i used to be.. but then i've learned alot since..
perhaps i really need to move on.. how long will i be static like this.. hmmm

Haiya... more playing around with the UV machine today... dari kul 9 pagi sampai kul 12.. prof laks masuk lab tu 2-3 kali.. checking up ngan apa yg kitorang buat.. habis jer with UV kena clean all the test tubes, becoz 2morow kena run UV lagi.. tapi with different cocentration. Pening woo ngan aper yg prof nak.. then petang laks terserempak lagi ngan dia.. cam arinih jer asyik nampak muka prof.. huhu.. :D
hmm.. berbalas mesej ngan dawlin arinih.. heheh.. dok usik dia pasal lakonan dia arinih..
hmm.. now i'm online cam biasa.. dapat chatz with my ex-clasmet, kasik soklan cepumas kat dia.. heheh.. bila arr dia nak timang cahayamata.. huhu.. dier senyap terus.. wakakakak..

Lepak jap depan tv arinih.. work load still banyak lagi.. memacam hal n probs berlaku kat lab.. ntah arr arinih.. data dok berlambak tak mencapai tahap yg diinginkan.. pesal arr rendah sangat compared ngan yg dulu..
anyway.. result analysis project tuh lum kasik lagi kat prof.. kalo kasik.. sure bermacam2 soklan yg dia akan tanya n tak puas hati..
sakit ati tul arr kalo jadik camnih..

Got some more stuff from my inbox thats kinda interesting to be included here...

Cool or Fool? Choosing the Right Friends
Your friends gather. Smoke curls in thick, humid air. Laughter and slurred words swirl together as bodies twirl and vibrate in time with pounding drums. Voices glide into eager ears, lacing minds with alluring words. Red, blue, green lights blink and flash--dotting open eyes with blinding colour. Hands wave, heads toss, bodies shake into oblivion. Glasses clink, cold orangey liquid drips and pools on greasy tables.

Fear grasps your heart. You walk on the edge of a knife; your friends clasp the handle and wave it like a sword. Your faith wanders onto the chopping block. Warning bells scream. You want to stop, you want to save your faith—but you slide along the edge of the knife. Your faith is sliced and diced. You wonder why you didn’t try. Your friends disperse.

Friends gather. Light flickers through shadow. Prayers flutter into the arms of a new day. Hands grip ancient texts, fingers follow curved winding letters, eyes strain to grasp meaning. Hands point towards Heaven, voices plead for hope, bodies bow in harmony in submission to the One. Peace descends.

Relief streams through your veins, nourishing your heart. You walk a wide, straight path—your friends ahead, beside and behind—catching you when you fall, pushing you forward. Your faith weakens as you climb a steep hill. Your friends tie ropes of faith around your waist and pull you over. Firm belief drips from your lips. You thank Allah. Your friends gather.

Our friends can either be the rope that ties us to our faith in Allah, or the knife that cuts any connection we had with our Creator. They are blessings, they are tests. Ask yourself, who are your friends? And more importantly, what kind of friend are you?

“You can do it!”

“I have faith in you!”; “C’mon don’t be a wimp”; "Here, try one”; “If you say no, people will think you’re weird”; “Don’t hang out with those boring, ‘religious’ guys!”

Whether you are in school, college, university, or working in the corporate world, these are the voices of many of the people you interact with. In our teenage culture, which exaggerates the idea of personal freedom and excessive entertainment, you are exposed to Peer Pressure.

You know You are a Victim of Peer Pressure when….

Most teenagers fall into flirting, clubbing, smoking, cursing, cheating, stealing, bullying, gambling, drinking, drugs, pornography and other immoral practices due to negative peer pressure. You know you are a victim of this pressure when you:

are curious to try something new because "everyone's doing it";
want to be liked, to fit in, to look cool;
worry that others will think you are weird or a coward if you resist;
say and do things in the group which you would not do on your own;
wish your parents should stay out of your ‘social life’;
do something without questioning the outcome.
Beat the Pressure: Tips to Try!


A) Before the Pressure Strikes

Know your values, beliefs and limits
Ask yourself 'What are my boundaries?'’ before anything happens. Know what pleases and offends Allah. He is the One who created you, sustains you, and helps you. Study your faith and clarify your limits of ‘fun’ so you can resist the pressure with confidence.

Prepare your Strategy

Plan ahead of time what you can say and do in difficult situations. If your friend invites you to a party on a Friday night, you can imagine what you may encounter. If, at the party, someone cracks open a can of beer and offers you a swig, what will you do? Having a strategy will help you shun the pressure and keep your honour intact.

Steer Clear of Potential Trouble

Usually we know with whom, when and where the pressure to do wrong can emerge. Avoid late night outings, including malls, movies, parties, and clubs, especially with friends who don’t share your values. Watch out for places where gender-mixing takes place.

Choose who you Hang Out with

You become like those you hang out with. As the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said, “A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look (carefully) whom you choose to befriend.” [Ahmad]
Don’t belong to the ‘popular crowd’. The quarrels, competition, fads, and deception involved in the ‘popular crowd’ are not worth the image. Choose your friends based on character, not popularity or status.
Friends who are not sincere and do not love you for your principles, will gradually lure you into an artificial world of false hopes. Either help these friends change gently, or abandon their company before it’s too late!
Participate in the Community!

There are immense benefits of getting involved with your local food bank, seniors’ home, children’s program, anti-racism group, newspaper, library, Mosque, Muslim youth group, or any other project that helps society. For instance, you:

avoid wasting time just ‘hanging out’ with your friends;
enhance your skills and talents;
meet people who share the same values and enjoy the same activities;
gain confidence to influence others through positive peer pressure;
earn rewards from Allah!
Don’t Kill your Eyes: Watch less TV!

Yes, it’s tough to escape peer pressure, especially when your friends keep talking about the clothes, the music and the stars they watch on TV. Today, TV defines teen culture. TV, with its barrage of alluring ads and captivating shows, tells you how to dress and act, what is cool and sexy, and what is ‘in’ and ‘out’. Let Islam, not TV, decide your dress code, morals, and values.

‘Goofy’ Teachers, ‘Dumb’ Parents, ‘Preachy’ Imams can help!

Teachers, parents, Imams, and counsellors—a group of potential friends we often ignore—can be the first line of defence. When you feel weak in your relationship with Allah or find yourself in a tough situation, be smart—consult them!

Make Dua!

Ask Allah to help you resist the pressures around you.

B) When Facing the Pressure

Think about the consequences of every action. Use wisdom, not emotion.
Say ‘No’ with courage. Make it clear how you feel about the situation. Explain why. It may be an opportunity to invite your friends to the Islamic way of life.
Use Humour. Throw out a funny line to ease the tension and show how you feel! “I don’t drink. I can’t afford to kill my brain cells. Unfortunately, I only have a few left as it is!”
Suggest a better idea. “Why don’t we play some hockey, instead of watching that movie? It’ll save us some money too!”
Remember Allah, your best Friend! He is there to help you. The Prophet told his close companion: “By Allah! Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allah, Allah will replace it with something better than it!”
Are Your Friends Worth it?...Use the Checklist to find out!

Does your friend fit these traits of a sincere, loving, and true friend?

Does he help you become a better and productive person? It’s a mistaken belief that a ‘good friend likes you for what you are’. A sincere friend inspires you, either with words or actions, to improve your personality and situation.

In a beautiful analogy, the Prophet likened the company of a sincere friend to visiting a perfume seller. Every time you visit the perfume seller, you benefit from his shop: You get some perfume as a present, or you buy some from him or, at the least, you obtain a beautiful fragrance from his company. [Bukhari & Muslim]
Is she like a mirror to you? The Prophet stated, “The believer is like a mirror to other believers (in truthfulness).” [Abu Daud]. Like a mirror, your friend gives you an honest image. She forgives your mistakes, but does not hide or exaggerate your strengths and weaknesses.
Do his manners and lifestyle remind you of Allah? Once the Prophet was asked, “What person can be the best friend?” “He who helps you remember Allah, and reminds you when you forget Him,” he counselled.

The Prophet was further asked, “Who is the best among people?” He replied, “He who, when you look at him, you remember God”. Such a friend reflects qualities of love, mercy, honesty, service, patience, optimism, professionalism, and the entire lifestyle taught by Islam.
Does he love you solely for the sake of Allah? The bonds we form at work, school and in the neighbourhood may whither over time if they are not built for the right reason. Friendship based on Islamic principles is sincere and everlasting, since it is strengthened by a higher purpose and fervent faith.
Do you feel comfortable and secure in her presence? If your friend’s company makes you feel guilty about the things you do and thoughts you share, you must question the benefit of this relationship. Consider the wise saying: “Being alone is better than having an evil companion and having a sincere companion is better than being alone.”
If your friend does not like you for the beauty of your character, intelligence, morality, and sincerity, you deserve better!

“And keep yourself content with those who call on their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Countenance, and let not your eyes pass beyond them to those who seek the pomp and glitter of this life.” [18:28]

Something I received in my mailbox today...

LIFE INDEX CARDS

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in a room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small indexcard files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "People I Have Liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed". The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost hilariousin their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 30 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it. The title bore "People that I Have Taught About Allah". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

What I did today.. hmmm.. pagi tadik antar ayah aku pegi bus stesen... sian gak nengok my dad.. dah arr yesterday baru balik from meeting from kuantan.. now plak kena kuar rumah lagi pergi seremban.. ajak budak matrikulasi kat sana... i really respect my dad.. walaupun teruk mana nak pergi.. but still work have to be done..
lepas antar my dad.. pegi post office bayar bil lektrik n air.. perhh.. ramai arr plak org arinih. queue sampai kuar pintu.. nasib arr line cepat.. kalo tak sure melangut kat situ sampai tghhari.. bila setel bil.. went to fill up my car.. nak bawak cik mira jalan2 kat penang.. a promise is a promise.. kalo dah janji nak bawak.. kena arr bawak.. so tghhari pergi pick her up from depan apartment dia.. then tunjuk2 dier arr kawasan kat penang.. and last ends up on the feri.. well.. one things for sure.. dalam chatting lain.. luar chatting lain.. so hopes she enjoy the rest of her time spent in penang.. jangan dok jemur slalu dah arr.. hehehe.. dah arr penang ni panas.. bertambah burn arr nanti.. aper2 pun.. salam emii untuk cik mira telah ku sampaikan... setellll

A friend of mine forward me this dialoq... its kinda unique in a way.. so enjoy... heheheheh..


Aku : Kasihku, ketumpatan cintaku padamu ialah
jisim hatiku di bahagi isipadu jantungku.
Masihkah kau tidak membuat sebarang anggapan??

Mu : Aku tidak percaya kepadamu kerana kau ada
kekasih baru untuk
menjalankan tindak balas penggantian ke atas
diriku.

Aku : Kau jangan salah ertikan kecerunan garis
lurus hatiku ini, kerana aku
dan dia masih lagi unsur dan bukannya sebatian.

Mu : Tapi, aku berasa seperti kasihmu berkadar
songsang dengan kesetiaan yg
kuberikan.

Aku : Tapi, cintaku padamu adalah pemalar!

Mu : Aku masih belum mengerti lagi kerana
penyelesaian yang kau berikan
masih lagi belum sahih.

Aku : Tapi, aku mengamalkan hukum newton ketiga
di mana tindak balas cintaku
bersamaan dengan cinta yg kau berikan.

Mu : Kau jangan bohong! Aku telah mengetahui
bahawa kau adalah 'random' yg
mempunyai janji-janji manis yg bergerak secara
rawak.

Aku : Itu adalah fitnah yg telah tersebar melaui
proses pencaran dan
perolakan.

Mu : Tetapi, mengapa kau membuat tempoh
perkahwinan kita mengalami
rintangan?

Aku: Aku harus menggunakan perintang boleh laras
untuk mengurangkan
rintangan itu.

Mu: Adakah kita akan berpadu secara kimia?

Aku: Itu masih belum diketahui, tetapi hasilnya
nanti dapat dilihat dengan
menggunakan mikroskop cahaya.

Mu: Aku khuatir kau akan bertemu dengan yg lebih
aktif dan bertindak balas
dengannya.

Aku: Nampaknya, kita sedang bercinta tiga segi
dan haruslah menggunakan
hukum-hukum penyelesaian segi tiga untuk
menyelesaikannya.

Mu: Tapi, aku telah memberi cintaku dalam
magnitud
dan arahnya sekali. Masihkah
kau tidak percaye?

Aku: Ya, aku percaye. Tetapi aku mahu semua itu
dalam bentuk lazim.

Mu: Itu semua boleh diabaikan, yang aku mahu
ialah
tempoh perkahwinan kita
harus mengalami pecutan yg seragam.

Aku: Kau harus bersabar, kerana sabar itu 0.5
dari iman.

Mu: Tapi, imanku adalah infiniti!

Aku: Aku tidak fikir yang iman kau infiniti
kerana kau blum mendarabkannya
dengan 6x10'23.

Mu: Kau membuat kemarahanku meruap-ruap. Nanti
bila tekanan ku melebihi
tekanan udara, kau jugakk yg susah kerana aku
akan mengalami hemolisis.

Aku: Aku sekarang bukan aku yg dulu lagi, aku
telah mengalami plasmolis.

Mu: Kau betul-tul menyakitkan hatiku ini. Ku
sangkakan kau intan, tetapi
rupa-rupanya kau grafit. Pergi kau dari sini.
Biarkan aku sendirian........

adehhh.. masuk keje je arinih dah kena marah ngan prof.. tak adil betul.. aku masuk tak buat aper2 salah dah kena sembur.. sabo je la.. nasib baik after explanation dier dapat accept aper yg kitorang cakap.. kalo tak sure bad mood arr dier tuh sampai abes keje..
anyway.. arinih bawak Co pegi penang.. dier interview kat motorola.. nasib baik dier call awal2.. kalo tak sure aku tak layannyer, dah arr bz keje.. anyway.. dapat gak antar dier ptg tuh.. then balik umah japs.. terkejut seketika coz pemili aku dok picnic blakang umah ngan makcik jah n makcik ani.. heheh.. aper lagi.. makannn... perhh.. kerabu bunga betik, pari bakar... sedapppp.. pastu aper lagi.. naik atas .. tidoooo..
kul 6 aku bangun.. setel hal2.. n continue reading buku yg aku beli semalam.. then my dad tepon kul 7.. kata flight dia sampai kul 9.. at same time.. Co tepon.. kata tak reti balik kulim.. hehehehe.. sungguh bernasib baik dia tuh.. aku gi amik dia kat sunshine square, and then gi amik ayah aku kat epot...
i

wahhh... arinih dapat chat ngan gavin.. my cozmate kat queens dulu... kira ramai gak classmate dapat masuk industy working as engineers.. tak tau plak helen ngan brian couple.. hahahaha.. soooo opposite.. dah arr brian jenis sunyi sepi cam aku gaks.. helen plak havoc giler.. tapi aper2 pun wish them the best of luck.. si gavin dapat keje with guinness.. hahaha.. untung dier.. hari2 minum pree.. enjoy sakan arr.. dier citer awal2.. memang sronot arr.. tapi skang nih.. hahahaha.. cam ntah haper2... hari2 dok ngadap beer.. sure bosan.. tapi dier tak comment panjang.. janji dapat minum pree.. main priority..
dapat tau aine sambung post grad.. hmm.. kira dari dulu lagi arr nampak dier got potential to go all the way to phd.. so hopes all the best for her too..

demmm.. so much work today arr... dari awal pagi kul 8.30 sampai kul 5 lebey dok buat analysis... prof siap tepon lab tanya kitorang buat aper.. anyway.. dah lali ngan mender tuh.. at least he show he's concern with what we doing.. bagus tul dapat employee camtuh..

anyway.. kuar ngan dawlin lagi arinih.. saja ajak dia temankan pegi kompleks bukit jambul.. sian tengok dia .. lagi2 baru 1st year kat penang.. arituh ajak makan nasi kandaq.. so 1st time for her.. so round2 arr pegi kedai pc, then beli vcd for my lil sis yg dari arituh dok mintak vcd citer..
pastu pegi popular cari some books.. bought 1 book city of the beast.. kira orait arr.. tadik baru jer baca.. kira it got a nice starting.
anyway.. kat kompleks tadik.. terkantoi with my school teacher, cikgu endon ngan anak dier kak Nadiah.. hehehe.. aku just senyum2 jer arr.. i mean, tengok arr situation tuh, me n a friend (a girl) .. i mean.. my teacher my get the wrong idea arr.. iyer laa.. time raya arituh.. dier tanyer2 gak.. biler arr nak ader org spesel.. tup2 jumpa dalam situasi camtuh.. siap kak nadiah usik2 lagi.. iskkk... segan giler maaa.. kena at least kalo jumpa lagi.. kena put the story straight arr..

anyway.. dari observation arr ngan cik dawlin.. kira orait arr.. i mean.. she's cute and have this cam blur face.. but then.. i'm still wondering if she's still available or not.. hahaha.. perbezaan umo pun not to bad.. kira ngam2.. hmm.. but then i have to ask myself? am i ready to be involve in a relationship againg?.. that i have to really give a lot of thinking before setting off.. iyer laa.. i dont want to end up like shit again...

one question was given to me by cik minty masa chatting arinih... if i want to look for someone special.. what type do i look for.. hmmm..
well.. one thing for sure i try to look for someone thats compatible.. i mean someone that i can be at ease with.. kira kalo jumpa jer... rasa ceria.. i know its not that possible to find someone like that.. tapi at least kalo someone yg serasi nih.. at least bley arrr bawa ketenangan. I dont really stress on how they look physically (yeah rite.. ahaks) cos that wouldnt last.. so i really look for the inner beauty.. kira knows how to interact with ppl n stuff.. havoc sket pun takper asalkan tak melanggar batas kesusilaan.. well.. thats the dreamdate i'm looking 4.. perhaps i have to do my part too nak cari that person that i'm longing 4 rite.. takkan nak tunggu bidadari turun ke bumi..
tapi ntah arr.. i'm quite easily fall 4 someone with a cute face... ( who doesnt.. hahah).. anyway.. kalo cari pun.. perhaps someone yg nampak ketenangan di muka.. mild expression like that.. :D..
wallahualam..

what i did today.. hmm.. morning pegi lambat coz my dad nak antar van 4 repair.. sampai usm.. drop my dad dekat bank.. pastu saw an accident.. perhaps carelessness accident tu happened.. 2 motobike collide together inside campus, 1 moto 2 budak ppuan tercampak atas divider.. while the other bike, 2 guys terhumban atas rumput kat tepi jalan... quite a shock to see such incident.. stop by the side of the road.. went down and see what help i can give.. cuma tu arr.. agak terkilan arr such incident happened kat usm.. ntah haper2 arr.. gi langgar.. nasib baik tak laju.. kalo tak wallahualam.. anway kesian arr tengok coz 2 budak ppuan tu terlantar atas jalan.. nak tolong tak bley gak coz in such position better dont move them.. coz takut2 ada fracture or something.. dont want to worsen the situation... yg guys tu aku tak kisah sangat arr.. coz nampak cam takder aper2.. jatuh pun tepi jalan atas rumput.. at least takder arr teruk sangat..
one thing aku nampak arr when this happened.. why no girls come to help
pelik lak aku.. mungkin sebab dah ramai org laki kat tepi kot yg control situation.. tapi tu arr .. kecewa gak coz kalo bley org ppuan kena ada gak.. ni nasib baik berlaku dalam campus.. so security guard ramai n help.. tapi kalo jadik kat luar.. wallahualam arr..
enuf on that.. received another responsibility from my prof.. i got to handle n take care of all the extraction processing.. perhh.. banyak sehh nak buat.. nak kena korek balik data2 lama.. pastu compile.. hard n soft copy.. kalo tadak data.. kena run balik analysis.. perhhh.. dasat2...
tghhari.. makan pree.. org lanjer.. ahaks..
then petang balik... makjang aku singgah umah.. bawak kak tati n her newborn son..

anyway.. what happen ek awal thn nih.. well.. 1st januari.. abg zudin turun sini.. perhh... drive kia spectra.. caya arr.. pastu bawak cik dawlin (haritu gak arr baru aku tau dia dak usm). anway.. arituh aku pi amik cik hanim kat batu uban.. then brekpes kat pelita sementara tunggu abg zudin. lepas tu pergi umah kak AD,jumpa abgnan kat kbj. lunch dekat pdg kota.. then main bowling kat megalane (with beruang.. wakakakak).. and finally end up kat teluk tempoyak makan ikan bakar
balik jer.. mata kuyu.. wakakakak.. penat giler.. dari kul 10 pagi sampai 11 mlm..
anyway.. since terjumpa with dawlin.. saja2 arr ajak dia kuar makan on tuesday.. ajak dia makan nasi kandaq.. hmm.. time makan.. sunyi jer.. perhaps sebab jarang chat ngan dia kat mirc.. perhaps tu la jadik camtuh.. anyway.. sweet girl with a cute smile.. cuma tu arr.. not available (tader nasib arr aku)..

perhhh... online malam ni lagi.. dah 3 hari berturut2 aku online lelama camnih.. anyway.. tomei dok teman aku.. at least tader arr sunyi sangat.. anyway back to tomei.. heheh.. dok antar lagu kat dia.. mula2 utada.. pastu skang boa plak..

wuhuu... i sorf of forgot pasal blog nih.. hmm.. so whats my new story.. well.. at the moment still single after broke up with my highschool sweetheart 2 years ago.
hehehehe.. anyway.. now i'm a research assistant in pharmaceutical department in usm, i dont really have the urgency to find a new awek arr.. too bz to do that.. pegi keje.. balik keje... pastu makan tido.. thats my daily routine.. perhaps change only during weekend.. time tuh kira my own free time.. kuar jalan2 ker.. gi lawat my frens ker.. makan kat luar ker..